I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I think you're the first person to ever call Louisville, KY a "romantic getaway".
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
$1.99 mimosas n bloodys til 3. Happy hour starts at 4. We're gonna ride the mechanical bull to kill the hour inbetween.
Please take video.
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
wellllllll.... I literally just puked in my mouth so perhaps this is not the epic love connection I believed it to be 3 minutes ago.
I wouldn't call that a crush. It was more of a minor brain aneurism.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
I threw a dessert topping at a baby tonight so drink up! If you stay sober tonight I will be very disappointed in you.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
I made the antidote to the nasty cognac. I AM THE GOD OF MIXED DRINKS.
R.I.P my virginity. TOD 12:37pm
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