just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics
as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....
Just found a partially digested mushroom under my bed. Thanks for that.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.
Just googled "penis wearing a hat" i think it's safe to say nobody found my ex's lost phone...
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
That isn't the worst part. It got a bazillion times more awkward when he read me a poem he wrote about his dead cat.
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
On a scale of "huh, that's interesting" to "holy porn stars, batman". How good?
Definitely closer to "holy porn stars, batman".
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
There's something sensual about taking off a pair of socks.
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