I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"
I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.
Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?
His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.
I feel as if we moved beyond the hook up stage when she blew me as I drunkenly finished my chicken nuggets.
I am gifting my birthday sex to you, but its okay because I can always just have birthday vibrator.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
Ultimate fat girl moment: I promised him my mouth for the night if he bought me a funnel cake..
I can't be a daydrinker without you. It just doesn't work.
I love you too.
operation Bang Australian Boy = oh so successful
Randomize
