let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.
oh how i love working at summer camp.
so my mom told me to suck on something if I have to cough. so I guess blow jobs are ok
you freaked out because you thought your face lotion was cum in a bottle
Want to come to my BBQ and Blow party?
All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.
im sober
you just pulled your sweatpants out of your bag and thanked them for being alive
Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
I just picked up my phone and one shoe from the man mowing the lawn next to the ice rink. He found them in a tree.
It will be like a scavenger hunt.. only we're looking for places to have sex.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Update: I spent 10 minutes trying to fish out a rogue vagina weight.
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
Randomize
