Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy
Everything in my purse is 100% saturated in red wine, which made it challenging to cover up my booze breath with franzia soaked gum
The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
Dude my doctor just legit got down on her knees and loudly begged me to do my pap smear
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Randomize
