My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Lets start the night off early. Those Coronas arent going to throw themselves up.
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?
i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
he just gave me a love letter in polish. he thinks i speak polish. I DONT SPEAK POLISH
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
He compared my blow job skills to finding gold treasure in a gold chest, so there's that.
I told the emergency room nurse I didn't want to stop and ruin the moment. She said safewords are there for a reason. Super condescending. Got her number though.
Turns out it's a fake number.
I'm glad he doesn't have a bigger dick because he'd just use it for evil anyway
*goes to show prof a picture* *forgets tit pic is in camera roll*
But really, what kind of hoe life adventure in Mexico would you do that would top me blowing a trucker?
Randomize
