I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.
There is a distinct lack of front teeth here.
It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.
I had to jump out of her car while it was moving enough said
No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Just had to hide the fact that I'm not wearing underwear from my 7 year old niece.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I'm glad that even though we are states apart our whorish hearts beat as one
Grass is always greener, Allison, grass is always greener
The grass is drunker and I'm lying down on it
He said he actually "met" me for the first time through a picture his housemate had of me, drunk and passed out in a pool of my own vomit, on the floor of his basement.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
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