Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
i just hope all the shady shit stops so i can let him into my pants
we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Please. Last time I saw him I awkwardly pulled his rat tail until it got too weird
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"
I just rolled over in bed and felt a bump. Turns out it was a lil nug. Talk about being princess and the weed.
Have you ever realized how cool bread is? Like so many things taste good on it. Like its crazy to think that peanut butter and turkey can both taste good on the same thing.
Soooo fucked this chick last night! While fucking she started talking into the fan on the side of my bed. Does that count as sex with a robot
My head feels like Jesus is projectile vomiting hammers on it
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
