video games are the ultimate cock blocker
Also, I once came to the conclusion after this one boy, that her pleasure condoms are a college boys version of flowers
i went through the entire semester and only just now realized there's a girl in my history class that i've hooked up with.
you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
you're being fucking weird and i don't like it. text me when you're not being the after picture on a poster for rehab
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot
Bro. Some kids just drive-by judged the shit outta me.
First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm gonna celebrate Valentines day by watching Bob Ross videos and tripping balls.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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