I'm just sayin u wanted to sleep after ur paper. I can make u sleep
I don't remember what your face looks like..
I don't remember your face either, just your dick.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night
I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
After we had breakup sex it took him longer to say goodbye to my boobs than it did to me...
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
I can assure you I didn't go home with a girl, because I woke up on someone's porch
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
Ryan. I woke up. At the neighbors house. And by the neighbors. I mean the ones to the north. The ones that hate us. Please call me. I am so confused and you are gone
At the neighbors house?! Like in it or outside???
In it on the fucking couch. No idea how i got here.
Randomize
