I don't know how this happened but I got an email thanking me for being a Waffle House regular. HOW DO THEY KNOW?? Maybe I need to stop going there shitfaced.
My mom make sausages for dinner...and all I could think of was your dog's penis..
How are you feeling today?
i could've thrown up on command at any point today...
Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.
You called me 32 times last night just to tell me you felt a heartbeat in your vagina?
Man, only now that I'm single is it painfully obvious that I have zero booty calls in waiting. This could be a cold winter
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE
I immediately knew he was tripping, he came over with a grocery bag of snow balls and a bike helmet on and asked if I was prepared to die for my country.
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
Would you accept a fantastic blowjob as payment?
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
Randomize
