Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...
On that note, do I have a rule?
You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning
Sonogram pictures belong on a fucking fridge...NOT FACEBOOK!!
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple
You just kept screaming "COME GET ME OFFICER, MY ALLIGATOR MEANS BUSINESS" while swinging a beanie baby alligator at him.
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
The kitchen also doubles as a screaming room after midnight as long as you have something to muffle the sound
He was like 120 lbs and 20 of that was penis
Thanks to you I can't show my boobs tomorrow for the interview.
You came in wearing a whipped cream bikini what did you think would happen
remind me again why we thought drinking hungarian moonshine was a good idea
So, I'm roughly 90% sure that the guy next to me in the xray waiting room is watching porn on his phone right now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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