You're mentally unstable and I would hate to be you
Smith looks like a guy that goes on a lot of first dates
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.
Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.
I just set a weed brownie on fire in the microwave.
Successful day.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Pretty sure I can show you the text you sent me stating some interest in my penis entering your mouth if said circumstances were met.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
You've never felt ridiculous until you've walked through downtown in a Viking costume
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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