I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The football player sitting in front of me just googled himself. Only 4 articles came up. That's why he plays at Utah State.
Well fuck that. I mean, I made out with my cousin once. Who gives a fuck.
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
Well see how he likes it when I randomly start crying and saying my dads name during sex I WILL RUIN ALL HIS FUTURE BONERS
SHE GRABBED MY FULLY ERECT DICK IN A BAR AND STUCK HER TONGUE DOWN MY THROAT AND I COULD NOT CLOSE
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I heard you shushing me, but my screaming orgasm drowned it out.
Just because the energy drink is shaped like a grenade doesnt make it cool to throw it and yell "BOOM" and break my flatscreen, asshole
The only people who really get me are strippers and mascots for sports teams.
My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.
I just had sex on my divorce papers. I've never felt so poetic.
I think it might be the guy sitting next to me. I've concluded he HAS to be smuggling insane amounts of onions in his wardrobe to smell like that
Who knew she had talents apart from chugging wine spritzers
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