tfor prom could you pick me up wo bottles of champagne and a condom, please?
I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
He gave me an elaborately handwritten invite (on a bar coaster) back to his place and whispered in my ear 'i have ping pong'. And he said byob. fuck THAT.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I can't figure out if I'm dying from all of the booze still in my system, or from the cement wall.
her spring break bucket list included "break into The Swamp, blow him where Tebow has Tebowed"
You have to sext the same way you right a resume, you can only use active verbs
it's too much effort for something that isn't food.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
Is it ironic that our divorce court is a block from where we had our reception? Or is it just sad? Alanis has confused my understanding of irony.
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I think I deserve an award for the breakup text I sent him. Like a pulitzer prize or a donut or something.
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