Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
my one-armed grandma is doing the YMCA. you figure it out.
I just opened up the mens room door to a dude pissing in the urinal and pointing at himself in the mirror
I would say a second date is not looking likely, I acciedentally bit his penis. it's still bleeding 43 minutes later.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
So my mom and I were talking about what I should get you for christmas. She made it clear I cannot get christmas lingerie.
Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.
Also I just had a flash back ... He told me I have nice nipples and then asked me about yours..
Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
I'm not gonna be naked if your not here. Thats like a waste of nakedness
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