i celebrated the independence of our country by dry heaving tequila all morning. so classy. happy 4th.
you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
No, it's cool, I just bounced from the hospital. I was...talking to a security guard, maybe?
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
Oh and .... you'll love this: my life coach says you writing my online dating profile isn't a horrible idea.
Dude. Woke up this morning wearing that chick's panties. 8/10, would recommend. I love tequila.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Randomize
