I wish you could order shots online.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Have you SEEN his girlfriend?? Or talked to her? Christ almighty I'd drink every day just to die let alone black out
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
There was a selfie of you in the dark pointing at the camera with a duck face. You sent it to my 60 year old mother with the caption "you behave"
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
You walked up to a random girl on the street and asked her for a bite of her pizza...
You casually put your finger in my ass and other people are weird..
Told him I just wanted to be friends. He responded, "The best marriages are born from great friendships." Please come get me.
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