If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Best porno line to date...."drinks are on me..." while she female ejaculates into a wine chalice
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.
can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room
Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Just told my boss I wasn't coming in to work because of a serious case of blue balls. Totally made having them worth it.
He is 30 (that's 8 years older than I am) and uses more Emojis than I do. Problem?
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
She doesn't even give a fuck about angle. I seriously gotta start doing like penis yoga or something.
Why are there naked heterosexuals in my apartment?
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