I love watching others lives come down to our level.
when I woke up I found a half-eaten cherry toaster strudel sandwich with bacon in the middle.
He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
I seriously want to say to him "Do you know how many blow jobs you could have gotten this summer?"
He should know he can't successfully wrestle in pudding fully clothed. Amateur.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
Agree to hang out with him and then take a gigantic shit right on him. Or if youve forgiven him for being a fucker maybe make out with him.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
He was actually surprised when I poured myself a glass full of straight vodka. Clearly he doesn't know me as well as he thinks.
Randomize
