A girl just told me I should smile because I was surrounded by hot girls. I told her that clearly beauty was in the eye of the beholder. And she slapped me!
Is licking assholes a new fad or something?
I bought my dad an absinthe brewing kit for christmas.. looks like tripping with my dad is in my near future.
Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.
I put a toilet paper roll with my number on it by his face... hooking up is not happening
I almost shit my pants in anger over your moral sanity.
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
He stole all of his parent's vodka WHILE they were in the room, and then opened the window and snuck out. I was watching from my truck
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Rule travel - in 2s or put an ankle monitor on me, and maybe a shock collar.
I couldn't think of the word "bath" so instead I told him I was marinating in soapy water
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
Your penis caused this!
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
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