weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
my roommate is sobbing and looking at photos of elephants. i'm so confused.
Just slept with a female bodybuilder. not cute. but it was like fucking hulk hogan with a twat. Beastly.
im so disgusted with myself. funny thing was i lasted 15 seconds. she benches 325
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
Get here, there are important joints to be smoked and pies to be eaten
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
"This is Emily. She likes potatoes. And sometimes laughs and cries at the same time, and has a wonderful butt"
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
Taking out my recycling and 90% of it is alcohol and cat food. I am judging myself.
You hear the wildest shit in a Walmart bathroom.
Randomize
