What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?
Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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