someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
for our anniversary he stepped it up a notch and bought cool whip rather than the store brand. i was impressed.
WTF WHY ARE YOU STILL NOT DOING A BEER BONG?! THE TOILET CLOG CAN WAIT
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.
Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.
currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!
... That's a shower caddy.
I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.
apparently i tried to facetime the drunk bus last night, that's probably why we had to walk back to campus
Drunk ass.
Well, during the ride home I had to personally apologize to both of her breasts.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
My fridge is empty and all of my food is in the bathtub. Just.. Why?
Why did I wake up with BYOB sharpied on my stomach
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I passed out drunk in her bed. Her boyfriend showed up and told me to go to the other room or we were gonna have a threesome. I threw up off the side of her bed and left. I feel like that was an adequate response.
Randomize
