it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth
It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home
Bro you were on fire last night...like a less Irish version of Liam Neeson
Just met my future wife. Please dont fuck her.
I may or may not have puked near a bear on the side of the road this morning.
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
She’s fine. Found her in the bathtub eating Cheerios and watching Rugrats on an iPad.
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