can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
Watching marley and me... this girls got me whipped man
look out your window.... he's holding his iphone up like a boombox playing you beach boys
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
He showed me his scar from his appendix surgery. It was educational and fun....
My early Valentine's Day one night stand just took an uber home. Thank you, technology, for letting me enjoy this day in peace. 😍
just called AAA to get my keys out of me car and then afterwards realized they were in my pocket...stoner life
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
On a scale of 1 to hungover I’m definitely throwing up at the office today.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
My roommate's overnight guest is screaming about the dog licking his asshole. I need a new place to live.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
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