"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
you're the only person i know to use "jizz" and "cute" in the same sentence.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
you can't just say no to brian. he was bugging me to get me to drunk for 14 hours straight yesterday. HE DOESN'T GIVE UP
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
this is gentle reminder #1 not to forget to bring the vibrator when you come
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
After 8 hours of circus trick sex, his parents are both hugging me and kissing me on the cheek asking when I'm coming back over. Score?
I swear my vagina needs to be taken away from me when I drink.
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