did you get engaged???
FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot
Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.
Sarah Palin just quit. Happy Independence day!
God Bless America!
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
Are we going out tonight?
My conscience says no but my vag says yes
Just made a drunk dude do 20 push-ups. In the parking lot of the bar tonight for a keystone light I found in the back of my truck.
Oh yum
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
I think this is the rare instance where the babysitter should get sex as payment from the person being babysat plus you'll get birthday sex. It's a win-win.
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
That moment when you notice a tiny IR camera pointing at you, in your bed, at the apartment you found on Craigslist.
Immediately after I scarfed down an Applebee's appetizer trio for lunch, my boss sent me on an hour long road trip to pick up some parts. Great. I can't wait to shit my pants on US-31 South.
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
dad is drunk and texting us pictures of bread
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
Randomize
