my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
i now understand why he chose to have sex with my friend rather then me after lookin in the mirror this morning. and id do the same thing.
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I'm supposed to nail the old lady at 1:30 so I'll see you at 1:35ish.
Once again being low on toilet paper is forcing us into another round of our favorite game - toilet paper roulette - where there can only be 1 winner. Maybe.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
The perfect man would keep a whisky sour in my hand and give me endless sex. I really don't think that's too much to ask for.
If you bet guys that you can drink them under the table they will pay for your drinks all night until they pass out. I have this down to a science that I think even my dad would appreciate.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
Of course his mom thinks you're nice, she doesn't know you have sex for cheeseburgers
One time!! I like sex and food....
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
