Just saw a man in a wheel chair using his feet to push himself backwards through a crosswalk... good morning Atlanta
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
watching law and order svu marathons. all of the sex crimes cases start like my sat night.
Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.
Moms kinda upset I threw up in grandmas bedroom. I think ill stay in tonight.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
I don't think I have face palmed that many times in such a short period. And I've worked tech support.
Long fucking story. But hey I got an orgasm and breakfast so I'm winning.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Then it hit me - his penis wasn't a shiny new toy anymore and I wanted a new one.
I called him my big strong man today. It's all downhill from here. Matching Christmas sweaters, here we come
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