I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.
i have no idea who im with but someones making meatballs. im going to stay.
my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe
Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.
High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.
I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.
Well my friend Jon slept on the couch and I slept next to my cooked lean pocket on the carpet
I want a MapMyFart App, where I can mark every spot where I have ripped one. Like here.
Let's play the game let's see how long Kayla can be sober
I'm really glad I had vomit on my sweater when I met his sister.
How do you politely tell a guy that you only kissed him so he would shut the fuck up?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
mother daughter bonding time. she's helping me make jello shots.
"They won't do it. I'm in the middle of darkness. " and "Probably going to die. I've been walking for 50 minutes in one direction" are the last texts I got from Steve
Randomize
