Can we switch to phone sex? This is starting to get awkward...
Discovered the coffee filter hasn't been changed in a while. I believe the mold has hypnotic properties. Would try it again, but coffee vomit is not pleasant.
Chilling. The soap was talking at one point if I rememeber right...
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
How does one acquire holy water?
Nothing makes the walk of shame as great as disapproval from a mom getting ready for work
You both snapchatted me that. Like, I just got a double dose of penis pastry.
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
I have finally found someone I enjoy for reasons that do not necessarily include his dick
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
I don't think it's a coincidence that the day I just happen to do the splits at the gym I come back with 7 guys' phone numbers.
i shit you not. the flight is delayed because they have to change fucking light bulb. all the airport bars are closed and my shit is in checked luggage.
Randomize