He said he only talked to me because I talk dirty in bed.
I stayed up for hours making sure you didnt pass out in a mountain of your own puke. But when I heard you yell AWWWW FUUCCKK, somehow I knew everything would be ok
For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.
Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!
He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.
looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
I'm totally wasted about to ride water slides. That's goddamn 'Merican. That and Clint Eastwood.
They were so huge my eyes were just drawn to them. Boob gravity man.
I tried to smoke out of half a banana, and lit my nose hair on fire. So I feel like that sums up my life pretty well.
Ended up in some house where this dude has a $1200 leopard cat
Not exactly hook line and sinker right away, but I'll give him a second chance. I should sext him me in my blue shark onesie.
dollar rum and cokes, see you on the dark side of infinity
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
