Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.
Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered
And all I wanted you to do is stand there and sing who let the dogs out.
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
Apparently drunk me thinks it's a good idea to put drops of acid in assorted open drinks in the fridge... This should be a fun week.
I really appreciate you zipping up my pants at the bar. You didn't even ruin my Bermuda triangle.
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
Why does my jaw hurt?
I may have punched you.
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I did a line of coke with my ex tonight. Talk about memories
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
How drunk were you? in an effort to seduce him, you demonstrated your lap dance skillz on his dog.
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