I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
I hope I bought a crossbow. Also I need to not drink that much
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
She dressed up in a sexy maid outfit for me, but she got mad when I asked her to actually do some cleaning.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
tom claimed she had a star tattooed around her buttonhole. i am not prepared for this era of skankyness
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
walk of shame across osu's campus on game day. i can see all the spots i threw up last night. its like my personal yellow brick road.
so i went to the bathroom and my thong was on sideways... i guess that solves the mystery
I just shaved my legs via the sink as to not wake my parents up because I know I'll be having marathon sex tomorrow after my certification exam... so this is life after college.
Randomize
