Ok so my english teacher told me i could have 5 absences bc of my "problem". I have no idea what she is talking about
I'm heating up a hotdog using a candle.
Just found out my mom's voicemail password is 6969..
He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle
Since when is drunk an angle?
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
i cant hook up i'm covered in egg rolls
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
After I chugged my beer the cop slapped my ass and said "atta girl" this can't be real life.
Randomize
