oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
I feel like I've been drunk all of June. And I am in NO WAY ashamed about it.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
Me and the cabbie are stopping on the way at a sit down restaurant to eat. My life is so sad.
Thought I was doing makeup today for a photo shoot for a short film. WRONG. Try I'm on the set for a Fucking Sci-Fi PORN.
If you're going to do that you're going to need a pleather suit.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I think my pussy is going to freeze to the ground
I had cheese pancakes which is pretty much just melting cheese in a frying pan and then eating it except youre in denial that your life is a wreck
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
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