Wow.. I was doing a mental check of my bank balance & I literally just said to myself: 'I have 27 dollars and a bottle of tequila til tuesday-ill be fine'
I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
Apparently faking a threesome isn't as much fun as you'd think
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
How much explanation does bbqsexapalooza need?
I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"
I will be naked everywhere
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
I just text my one night stand Happy Easter on her way home...now would be a good time for the lord to smite me.
Who put the meatball sub on my door handle?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
I'm gonna adopt her diet plan of secretly sleeping w a desperate ex... It combines excersise & loss of appetite due to guilt
I think you threw up on me last night but i can't remember so i'm not mad at you.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
