so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
My cat puked at the same time as me. Makes me feel better about myself, except he can stand and I can't.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry
Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.
Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
you're the one asking for my vibrator at 4 in the morning so reconsider your life
I think god invented us with two hands so we can grab an ass and spank it at the same time.
Don't laugh, but I might need some advice on how to ride a crooked dick.
My sister texted me to say she just found a corn on the cob in her purse from last night. You need to party with us more.
This drunk lesbian I just met keeps trying to shove sushi in my mouth. Help.
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
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