Oh my god you would drunk register for a marathon.
apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window
Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.
you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.
Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
This is what my life has come to. Like, I may or may not have just stolen pizza from the guy I just hooked up with's fridge when I left...
I can't remember dinner
Hahaha "rub in the ketchup on your face, It'll just look like blush." some gay waiter said that to you, and you go "good idea!"
You fucked two dudes in the same night and still went home to your cats. How does that happen?
I'm getting high with a 50 year old car wash guy. Enough said.
Well, my mom found the ball gag and whip. Looks like I'm never going home again.
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
He asked when the last time I had sex was. I had to look at the clock and respond "12 hours ago"
I have dined. Now I want to get fucked.
Randomize
