I cant find my shoes, my wallet, or my keys, but i know where your sister is.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
She was asian and in a relationship... my two weaknesses
That sound you heard was the sound of millions of brackets exploding simultaneously
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Cookies. Watch out fir falling satellites.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
The best was when you were crying, and trying to get the bouncer to "understand you AS A HUMAN BEING"
dude I don't even care if I'm getting catfished the point is I'm going to get laid. hot bitch, fat bitch, skanky bitch, i don't care my penis is having an adventure tonight regardless
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
It's okay to masturbate while watching the Comey testimony right?
I'm "drunk text both siblings" drunk.
Randomize
