yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous
My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.
I'm pregnant.
The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???
dude, i warned you that using a card to pay for my hotel room was a bad idea. You deserve the extra $600 in cleaning fees
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
THERE IS A WINE CUBE IN MY ASS THIS IS NOT GOING AS PLANNED
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
Just when I thought he had turned a new leaf, I see a "Let me get you pregnant" shirt in his closet
Hatred of squirrels is the least of my hereditary problems.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
I came home braless and wearing a tail....
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