You finger a girl once and she thinks she loves you. I'm going back to boys. Lesbians are needy.
we're talking about where were going. or where we stand. but yeah we'll basically be doing it in the hallway so just ignore us
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
Send me a pic of your kids to remind me why I have morals.
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I'm trying to drink up the confidence to run in public.
Woke up with a girls naked next to me I had her thong on somehow.
Randomize
