True or false: I did not bring home a 28 year old last night.
True? Did she teach you things?
She taught me the meaning of awkward goodbyes at 530 am.
I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...
Nothing is worse than post drunken playoff baseball loss sex
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
Well. I think my red tank top is jinxed. this is now the second time it's gotten jizz on it.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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