Ambien. No doubt about it.
Is masturbating to pics of your ex on Facebook considered cheating?
You are proof that most things are best left unsaid.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
Ever have those mornings where you just can't wait to puke in the shower?
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I succsesfully kept my nipples in my dress all night. Even when I got in a fight. I was made for the bar.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.
Oh we were great hosts that night. We made sure to leave all the beds open by passing out on the bathroom floors instead.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
My dog just ran downstairs with my vibrator in her mouth... during my dad's birthday dinner.
He managed to rip my nipple last night....
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
THERE HAS BEEN GRANDTHEFT IN THE HOUSE. SOMEONE STOLE THE BABYWIPES AND YOU NEED TO BUY MORE BEFORE WE LET YOU IN. oh and you have to take two shots before we'll let you in. with no chaser.
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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