hi brent please bring bad word music cd must most bad word please brent bring cd music bad word please brent bring cd music bad word
the guy I was hooking up with asked me if he could wear a guerilla suit during sex.
there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'
We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other
I deem it safe for us to drink together again.
They dropped the charges?
Yeppers. Come drink beers.
If he comes over tomorrow, im answering the door naked. Simple as that.
I just stood on my roof naked pouring vodka onto my garden. sweet dreams
I discovered a new stretch mark. DONE. LITERALLY DONE.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Tent sex on an air mattress requires balance and flexibility. Not for the faint of heart
Well my normal tinder strategy of "Will I have sex with her when I'm sober" has been paying off
Side Note: Everyone in my office is getting engaged and having baby showers. And I'm all like, fuck your joy, I just want more string cheese in my life.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
Next time I will hook the Xbox before I get high I spent 30minuts thinking I was playing the Simpsons game when it was in reality a tv episode
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
