Dude my mom stole all your condoms
you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?
Whenever you feel bad about your life, just remember the time I tried to swim while high and thought for a minute I was genuinely drowning
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
How did "late lunch" turn into 8 solid hours of drinking??? I feel like death.
"I'm 95% straight," he says. Cut to him on his knees...by far the most beautiful guy I've ever fucked.
I'm just down here gazing up into your ivory tower of nudes
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
you hit your head on the sneeze guard and passed out at Pizza Hut they called the police
I'm just really glad SD weather is so erratic so I can get away with wearing a scarf in May to cover up these hickeys.
Randomize
