I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
New low: just hacked my moms facebook
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
I may or may not have spent student loan money on a vibrator, that falls under living expenses right?
Ok here's the plan: birth control, KFC, handcuffs.
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
He's petting your head, we need to leave now.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
The thing about online classes is the prof can't tell this mug is full of beer.
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