apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
Is it sad that when she told me he has a small peen I felt like it made us more compatible?
Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
I know he is still a student. I am not asking if his being an underwear model makes it more ethical, just less prosocutable.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
So now I can cross "have my ass be someone's phone background" off the bucket list. You know, if it was something I actually had wanted to happen.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
Randomize
