FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.
Why did you video tape me drying my boxers in the microwave?
i'm at the gym and so are four guys who have seen my tits. i need winter break.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed
in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.
I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
No, I don't think your idea of offering shots in exchange for bonus points to your history professor at B-Dubs was a good idea. Especially after you later told him that you would "tap that" in regards to his wife.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
I'm that daughter that had to send her mother "DON'T GET SHITFACED" & yes, in ALL CAPS.
My GF, FWB and Side piece are all booty calling me. I’m a victim of my sexual success
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