He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Thank God. You really dodged a small penis there.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."
You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.
with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible
Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.
There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.
its Wednesday...
they're reeeeeally big trays
Hickey on my chest, threw out my elbow and now walking out my shame.
Youre getting too old for this
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
I told him he had to put his dick inside of me at approx 1159 to ensure it was birthday sex. i was 19 when he entered me.. came out 20. winning.
Randomize
