I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.
I don't know. Something about answering "what did you do on Sunday?" Seems odd when the reply is, painted, went to the grocery store, put a restraint device on my bed.
Showing up to Easter hungover, late, and covered in black an blues from pole dancing. Daughter of the year.
I would say "man cannot subsist on sexting and brownies alone" but I think it's actually possible.
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
I just want somebody who'll randomly bring me pizza and lovingly squeeze my butt. Is there a dating app for that, do you think?
He hand fed me trail mix then I watched the video of me the next morning. He was actually feeding me meow mix.....that drunk. I still have no regrets marrying him
It's 2016 and I am a strong independent woman who just wants someone not weird to touch my butt, dammit
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
His mom knocked on the door during morning sex because we were being too loud...now i have to meet her for the first time
Randomize
