my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy
So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already
dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds
Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.
I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
Why do all the Father's Day cards talk about what a great dad they are? Why can't there be one that says something like "Thanks for sticking it to mom and making me possible, your sperm was appreciated."
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Ate 3 ghost peppers and chased them with Everclear last night. Currently on the toilet cursing the universe and everyone in it.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
You kept telling everyone that you were as sober as a camel. I have yet to figure out what that means
Randomize
