Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high
i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
A special kind of bond is formed between two people when they act as a pee shield for one another for drunken pisses in an alleyway
Thanks for launching me off you reverse cowgirl. I think I chipped a tooth.
I think I need to start sobriety testing my Tinder dates.
I'm not asking for life coaching, I'm just asking if you know where I left my underpants.
His hair is as curly as mine. It was like watching me go down on myself.
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
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